Learning to Breathe

The thrill of existing as words on paper, of being able to breathe by exhaling words, thrills me. It rivets me. It owns me. I am addicted to the thrill, the uncontrollable high of writing and rewriting myself. If you seek answers, look no farther than a blank page; it will show you all you really need to know. More than answers, it will give you a home, a purpose. My voice, unlike most of those around me, isn’t a noise, isn’t some pitch or tone I can recognize in a crowd; it is a completely unique pattern of letters on paper that I can’t explain without changing it. I read the world around me like a book, and I write what I see. Every breath I take is a new word leaving a fantastic new tang on my lips, and the only way to express it is by documenting it on paper with the voice I can’t hear. When the only way to exist is by the stream of words inside of me, every word becomes a piece of me, and I'm confronted with the fact that through my barely legible scribbles, I am learning to breathe.

Hopeless Nights

Boxed in, trapped, stuck
The walls stood forebodingly,
Watching me drown.

There is fluorescence all around me,
But it is all dark, all black,
bleak unnaturalness, artificial, fake.

I want to give up,
admit my defeat.
Just let me be in peace.
But time strangles me
with moonlight chains.

Save me from this something,
rising in my throat,
tightening my jaw,
wetting my eyes. 

Tears

Leave me here,

Drowning in my tears

As you take the last word

Leave me in tears.

Why can’t you understand

That I don’t?

I love you

You’ve got to know

But sometimes

I’ve got to let go

Because you bring me to tears.

Your shouts fill the room

But this isn’t right

You’re not perfect

But neither am I.

I won’t lie to you

In words or in feelings.

Take me as I am

Because it’s all I can be.

And if you read this

Know that this is no attack

But just how I cope.

Awake

I’ve suddenly started seeing through my own eyes

What is happening to me

10:00 PM, and the night is alive

All my senses have come alive

I want to run, skip, dance, walk

I see you world

I see you now

Before I was just seeing

Just taking in

Like I was watching my life

Through no eyes of my own

Living in my head

But now I can feel

I can hear

And everything is all around me

I’ve never felt so much like I am actually here

What is this magic

This strange awareness

I am here

I am here now

Vividly, completely, unequally here

Let this be our little secret

This night, I have finally awoken

And I am here